On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
