Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
