I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
