i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
