All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
