I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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