he thought i was a dude.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
