Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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