You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You made out with two different species that night
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
