at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
