You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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