Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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