I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
