my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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