you traded sex for a burrito?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
