I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
