how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
