to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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