Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Pants are for mortals
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
