just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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