he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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