I've blown a few things in my day
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
