well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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