When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
