Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize