OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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