I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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