I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
