I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
