I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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