And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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