just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
