just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
