Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
