Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
