Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
