hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
