He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
she smelled like a LAN party
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
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That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
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Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged