Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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