I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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