At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
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New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
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Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina