I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.