Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
