is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
