I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
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The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
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Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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