I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
