There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
