Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
