i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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