i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
