dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
the condom got lost in my hair
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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