He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
