Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
