He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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